Why Setting Boundaries Feels Like Dying (and What to Do About It)
It’s 9:30 at night. After working a full corporate 9-5, you just put away the dishes, answered a couple last-minute work emails, and you’re finally ready to collapse on the couch with a glass of wine. Then your phone buzzes: “Hey, are you free? I’m having so much anxiety about my job and need someone to talk to.”
Immediate pit in your stomach. You want to say no. You know you need to say no. But, inevitably, the words “of course” slip out of your mouth.
An hour later you’re resentful, exhausted, and wondering why you seem to say yes to everyone but yourself.
Why Boundaries Feel Like a Threat to Survival
I need you to know that you’re not alone in this. Most of my clients share that setting boundaries makes them feel selfish, guilty, anxious, or will result in lost relationships. Hell, even I think these things from time to time. For many of us, saying no feels a bit like a life-or-death situation.
That might sound dramatic—but your nervous system often reacts as if it’s true. Here’s why:
People-Pleasing as Safety: Growing up, you may have learned that being agreeable kept you safe, loved, or accepted. Saying no could have meant rejection, conflict, or even abandonment. Also, biologically, we are programmed to “fit in” and be likable; it’s what kept us safe in our villages thousands of years ago.
Social Messaging: As women, we are often taught that being “good” means being accommodating, selfless, and endlessly available.
Fear of Conflict: Your brain may equate “disappointing someone” with danger, so even the smallest no triggers fight-or-flight.
Your body isn’t lying—it’s protecting you the way it learned to. That’s why setting boundaries feels overwhelming, even when you know the cost to being constantly available to everyone but yourself.
The Cost of Never Saying No
When you avoid setting boundaries, you pay the price in:
Exhaustion and burnout
Resentment toward people you actually care about
Losing sight of your own needs and identity
Strained relationships (ironically, the very thing you’re trying to protect)
Baby Steps with Boundaries
You don’t have to overhaul your whole life at once. Boundaries are like any other skill—you start small and build confidence over time. Don’t wait until you’re “ready” to set a boundary, because I promise you that day will never come. It will always feel scary.
Start with low-stakes no’s. Practice saying no to things that don’t carry high emotional weight. (Ex: “No thanks, I don’t want dessert.”)
Use a pause button. If “no” feels impossible, buy yourself time: “Let me think about that and get back to you.” This disrupts the automatic yes and starts to re-wire your brain.
Write scripts in advance. Rehearse phrases like:
“I can’t take that on right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’d love to, but I need to rest tonight.”
Expect discomfort. The first few times you set boundaries, you’re probably going to feel guilty, selfish, and you might even go down an anxiety spiral. Trust that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re unlearning old survival patterns.
Reframing Boundaries: Not a Wall, but a Door
Think of boundaries not as walls to shut people out, but as doors with locks. You choose when and how to open the door. Boundaries actually strengthen healthy relationships because they’re built on honesty and mutual respect.
Final Thought
If boundaries feel like dying, it’s because your body still remembers when they were dangerous. The more you practice, the more your nervous system learns that you can survive—and dare I say thrive?—when you honor your limits.
Healthy relationships don’t come from saying yes to everything. They come from showing up authentically, with space for both your needs and theirs. Remember that you matter, too.